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Friday, January 25th, 2002
10:25 pm - LAST ENTRY
So, yeah. This is really a sad occasion. My brother, who I want to hug but won't because he hates it, told me today that my dad's been reading this for months now, basically since I started it. Since it's "public information" he can do it. So I'm not going to write in this anymore. If you care, and you want to read my thoughts/ramblings/musings, email me (sweetcilantro@hotmail.com) and I'll give you the new LJ name. Because of course, if I post it here, my dad might find it.

So Dad, here are my thoughts on the subject.

You drug test me, you listen in on my phone calls, you can (and very well may) read my emails, and you invade my private life by reading my journal. If you want to get inside my head so badly, ASK. I WILL TELL YOU. I can't stand the thought that my own father (who should love me unconditionally) feels the need to read the things I write down for my own personal benefit. I am absolutely, almost physically, sick at the thought. I want to throw up. Your actions make me sick. Yet I still love you, and I don't know why. I honestly don't. You've given me life, shelter, food, clothing... but I've never felt comfortable with you, not since I was ten. Not since I came out to you and you called me a dyke, told me I might be "Jeffrey" one day instead of "Jess" and insulted one of my close friends by labeling her similarly, even though she is to this day a practicing heterosexual. As long as I live, I will never, ever forget that. Ever. It hurt me more than you can ever understand. I wish I'd never fallen upon that email... because if I hadn't, I'd at least be living with the delusion that I have a father who loves me enough to accept things he cannot change. I know I've lied, I know I've stolen, I know I'm not the daughter Sandy is... but you should at least have the common decency to respect my thoughts and the fact that they are mine. I'm sorry I've disappointed you as a human being and as a daughter... but I'm not going to change unless you do it with me.

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9:43 am - mmm... the weekend
I like thinking about the weekend. In essence, Friday is my favorite day of the week because there's a lot to look forward to over the weekend. Tonight I'm going to a party at my friend Jen's and then tomorrow night is the winter semi at school. Sam is coming... so I'm pretty excited... it's gonna be fun to see him all dressed up preppy and stuff. :) I'm a little nervous though... I mean, I'm not big on the whole dancing thing... I'm just going cause it's fun to dress up and hang out with my friends. And him... he's kind of shy... not antisocial shy, but I don't think he's really big on dancing either. I can kinda just see him standing around with his hands in his pockets (probably looking really hot though :), but I want him to have a good time and not wish he was at the Battle of the Bands that he's supposed to be at.

And.... he's sleeping over. I can't believe my mom is letting him. My dad's probably internally flipping out.

Only four periods left. Brit Lit (good), gym (Shit! I forgot my clothes!), HUSH (watching a movie... always good), and math (Mrs. Jones is absent... score.) OK. I think I can survive a few more hours... ;)

I guess I'll write after the weekend.

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Thursday, January 24th, 2002
6:14 pm - why do i fill out useless surveys? part II
If you could relocate to any place in the world, where would it be? London or Greece
What song are you listening to right now? Darude- Sandstorm
How often do you shower? daily
What's the background on your computer? that teal background thats always there
If you could read one person's mind, who's would it be? can't say for fear of incrimination
What is the strangest name of someone you know? Mahershalabaz
What is the most embarrassing CD in your collection? oh, without a doubt, most definitely and completely.... Mandy Moore
What movie have you watched the most times? Any Kevin Smith one.
During which movie did you cry most? Boys Don't Cry. (But apparently girls do.)
Do you want to move? Yes, desperately.
Did you like this survey so far? better than studying
Have you ever helped an elderly person across the street? yes
Do you sing in the shower? It's the only place where I sound good.
Burger King's or McDonalds fries? Neither, they're both capitalist paradigms of avarice.
Are you addicted to the Internet? Oh God no
Read or write? Write
Are you organized or disorganized? If you know me you'll know this answer without a second thought.
How would you describe being in love? confusing, thrilling
How many siblings do you have? three... a little bro and an older half sis and half bro
Summer or winter? Uh... both?
Pepsi or coke? Pepsi all the way
How many hours do you sleep a day? 5 or 6 on weekdays, 10-11 on weekends
What hours of the day are you usually asleep? 12-6 on weekdays, 12-9 or 10 on weekends (Why is this question necessary?)
Which side of the bed do you sleep on? Umm.. in the middle.
Worst enemy: Laziness...procrastination...uh...yea.
Do you have a journal? yep
Have you ever intentionally hurt someone? I try not to but it happens.
Do you like sarcasm? Of course not.
Have you ever thought seriously about committing suicide? yes, sadly.
What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? The kind that maks my hair straight instead of frizzy, huge and afro-like.
Who's the greatest looking? JULIANNE MOORE IS HOT.
Ugliest? everyone is beautiful in his or her own way. And I mean that, it's not BS.
Which is the planet with the coolest name? Jupiter.
What climate is most comfortable for you? New England.
Do you prefer showers or baths? both
Contacts or glasses? neither cause I don't have to wear them.
Fave day: Saturday
Fave month: October
Fave 4-letter word: fuck
Blonde/brunette: i like 'em all
Deaf/blind: neither
Day/night: both
Nice/rainy: nice
Prison/school: they're different?
A good student: when i want to be
A good driver: umm.... good...??
Good at sports: ha, ha ha, oh, you were serious?
A good actor: sometimes
A deep sleeper: like a fucking rock
A good dancer: i wish
Shy: hell no
Outgoing: yes ma'am
A guy gal: uh... i guess
Enjoy school: high school? no.
Enjoy parks: yes
Enjoy picnics: yes
Like the color pink: yes
Wet the bed: WTF...
Like to sing: to myself
Like to shop: Hi, I'm Jess, and I'm a shopaholic.
Wear make up: not THAT much...
Kill someone for 15 million: I repeat myself. WTF
Eat someone if my life depended on it: Hmm. Well. Let's see. I'm a vegetarian. I don't wear leather, suede, or any other disgusting animal byproduct, I don't use any skin care products tested on animals, and I am a registered member of PETA. Oh, yeah... I LOVE a good arm. Especially when they're really tanned, like in the summer....

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Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002
7:39 pm - why do i fill out useless surveys?
Five CDs from your collection that you will never get tired of:
1. Sublime (the self titled one)
2. Dave Matthews Band- Crash
3. Indigo Girls- 4.5
4. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
5. Tool- Aenima

Four vacations you have taken:
1. Maine
2. Quebec/Toronto/Montreal
3. Vermont
4. Greece

Four Places you just have to go:
1. Paris
2. London
3. Peru
4. India

Four things you'd like to learn:
1. to be a MASTER guitar player (i currently suck)
2. to tango
3. to speak Swahili
4. about Eastern religions

Four beverages you drink frequently:
1. diet Pepsi (NOT Coke)
2. water
3. orange juice
4. _______ (insert alcoholic beverage)

Four tv shows that were on when you were a kid:
1. Sesame Street
2. Smurfs
3. Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood
4. Power Rangers

Four tv shows you watch now:
1. Crossing Jordan
2. CSI
3. ER
4. Real World (it's addictive!)

Four places to go in your area:
1. nowhere
2. without
3. a
4. car

Four things to do when you're bored:
1. go running
2. read
3. replay guitar
4. read people's LJ's

Four things that never fail to cheer you up:
1. thinking about Sam
2. singing in the shower
3. Simpsons
4. your mom

Four DREAM guys:
(i'm ammending this)
Four DREAM girls:
(i'm amending this)
Two DREAM guys and two DREAM girls)
1. Julianne Moore
2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
3. Chris Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional)
4. George fuckin Clooney

About 20 years ago...
1. I wasn't born
2. My mom was 22
3. My dad was 38

About 10 years ago...
1. I was 6
2. I was in 1st grade
3. It was January of 1992

About 5 years ago...
1. I was 12
2. I got good grades
3. I had more self-confidence

About 2 years ago...
1. I was a freshman
2. I came out as bisexual at a very inopportune time
3. yet....I thought I was a lesbian

About 1 year ago...
1. I was a sophomore
2. I got B's in math
3. I got A's in French

1. I'm goddamn boy-crazy
2. I'm slowly cheating on the Atkins diet
3. I got a C+ in math and was so happy I almost cried

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Monday, January 21st, 2002
7:22 pm - the quintessential update
Wow. I don't really remember how long it's been since I last wrote anything substantial in here. I've been pretty busy, what with midterms and all... and I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and think for more than five seconds until this weekend, and when I did get a chance, I promptly found something to fill the silence and peace with.

Midterms went O.K. I guess I'll know how I did when I get my report card... which could be a scary thing. I know I got a 90 on my history one, which from what I've been hearing is a pretty good grade. I'm a little worried about Brit Lit because it seemed so easy that there must have been something to trip me up that I missed.

I don't think I've bitched yet about my dilemma. Some would call it otherwise. So nobody likes me for 16 years of my life, and then all of a sudden seventeen hits, I get a boyfriend (shock me) and then all the girls (and a guy) come running. What the hell? I don't understand this at all. Maybe it's that I feel more confident when I'm with someone I care about and that confidence makes people like me or something. Whatever.

And the worst part is, I'm attracted to two of the girls that like me. But... not attracted enough to want to do anything about it. Which means that, yes, I must really like Sam.

Sam told me he loved me. Actually, it was online, and I wasn't quite sure how to interpret it, so after wonderful advice from Becky and Matt, I decided to ask him what he meant. And he meant it... it's not like I doubted it... but sometimes guys are so hard to read. Here it is, not a month after my rantings and ravings about whether or not he was even interested in me, and he's become the most blissfully attentive and sensitive member of the male species. (OK, that's stretching it... but... you get it.)

We spent the day together (alone!) on Saturday. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it felt to be with him, alone, to feel so comfortable and so natural and uninhibited about everything, and to hear "I love you" come from his lips and sound TRUE. Months ago, I don't think I could have even imagined feeling this wonderful with a guy... and if the fact that I am not ashamed to hide anything from him means that I love him, then yeah, I love him.

Well, as unbelievable as this is... for me to be so happy... you're right. My parents think I'm on crack, and I'm not kidding. Last night they made me PEE in a CUP, and this morning they hauled it off to a lab to be analyzed for God knows what. But that's beyond my control.

And then there's church, which has depressed me to the point where I no longer want to go. Well, that's a lie. I want to go... but I don't want to be in the service next week. Robin asked me to write something but I don't know if I can do it wholeheartedly. I'm still disappointed in myself for everything related to and resulting from the events of mid-November (aka my illegally going to the con). The church is giving out the President's award that week, which I am pretty sure I would have gotten if I hadn't screwed up my chances. There's always next year... but knowing that it's something I would have gotten if it weren't for my transgressions of authority makes me depressed, disappointed, and everything in between. And I'm not sure how much Robin has to do with the decision... but her opinion of me means a lot because she's Sam's mom... and I don't want her to think I'm not good enough for him.

Alright. That's enough bitching and rejoicing (what a combo... only me) for one night. 'Til next time...

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
8:06 pm - warm fire bliss
mmmm... i don't feel like using capital letters today. i feel cold right now... i want to have a nice cup of hot chocolate and curl up in front of a fire.... and then hop into bed with... well, you know who. i wonder when that's going to happen... if we'll ever get some alone time together.

alone time is nice...

current mood: satisfied

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Sunday, January 13th, 2002
9:40 pm - it's amazing how quickly weekends fly by....
Well, another weekend gone before my eyes. Friday first period I came home from school because I felt dizzy and my blood sugar was messed up, and then laid around watching TV all day... Saturday I woke up late, watched TV until noon, and then studied all day for stupid midterms. I couldn't go out because my parents said so. And then today, I went to church in the morning, came back, and then went BACK again, this time with Sam, to finish painting the youth room. That went... well, I guess... but the two of us had more fun in 45 minutes afterwards, when I was waiting with him while his mom finished up a meeting she was in.

It's nice being intimate with someone... it's been a while for me since I've been with someone that I've dated for more than a month (it's been about 2 for us) and not gotten sick of.. ah well, I gotta go.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2002
12:32 pm
Why do I keep promising myself things that I know I will never be able to do? Just a couple of days ago I told myself that I'm not going to be neurotic about Sam anymore, because I know that he cares about me and that there's nothing to be worried about. But last night I talked to him... and he played guitar and sang to me over the phone, and told me that he missed me and couldn't wait to see me.... but somehow what he said right before we hung up, "I'll try to call soon," that just seems to overshadow everything else. If I know he didn't mean anything by it, if I know that he cares, if I know that he has every intention of staying in this relationship, then why am I so upset by what he said? I wish I could fix it.

But I'm not really letting it overwhelm me, it's just pissing me off. I have more to worry about. My parents decided on Tuesday that we were going to Ground Zero this weekend, and then told me last night that we weren't. That annoys the shit out of me because I tried to figure out some way that I could study for midterms, which are next week, and also go this weekend, and then they cancelled it.

Also, I was actually supposed to cut school today and go to Harvard Square to take pictures with Raquel and Katie, but again, that didn't happen because Raquel had to take a test or something. So today was actually pretty restful; I didn't really have much to do... I had a sub 2nd and 3rd period and now Mr. Ryan is in some accrediting meeting and we get to sit in the library.

So yeah. I guess that's it for now.

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Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
1:35 pm - too long since I wrote last...
I need to write in here more often. Things end up getting so crazy in my life that I barely have time to take two seconds and THINK about what's going on in my life, never mind WRITE about it.

The rest of my vacation was alright. I told my mother that my NHD paper was finished so I could go see Sam last Monday (the 31st). We hung out in Concord, grabbed some lunch, walked around. It was really nice to have alone time with him. I met his dad and talked with his mom a little bit, which was nice. His dad is a performer, and he performed two shows at the Fitchburg and Groton First Night celebrations. Sam and I, along with his little sis Michaela and her friend, went with him to both and then were planning on going to a party at my friend Meggie's house. First Night was slightly boring, as there was nothing to do in between performances and Fitchburg is devoid of all entertainment value. We got back to my house and then my mom told me that the party had been cancelled. She didn't want me going anywhere else but there, so that left my mom, Sam's mom, and me and Sam all together. My mom and his mom HAD TEA while the two of us sat there, uncomfortable beyond anything. I swear on it, next New Years' Eve, I am going far, far away.

Then I also saw Sam on Friday; there was a Massive planning meeting that we went to (it was a sleepover... wink wink.....). I can't really discuss what went on there, because... it's private.... but we had a really nice time. He's become so gentle and so sweet, and he's opened up a lot more from when we first started dating. I was only attracted to him physically at first, and now it's going deeper. This is how I imagined it would be, so the fact that it's working out like this is really wonderful.

The only reason it's not perfect yet is because there's this other girl, Elka. I met her in June and we hooked up, and we both went our separate little ways because neither one of us knew we liked the other, and now I finally just started talking to her on a a regular basis. What sucks is that the way I feel about Sam is getting a little more intense, and I'm not so sure I want to be dating anyone else besides him, especially one who lives in Amherst (over 2 hours away). I like her A LOT, but I don't think I can do anything right now with a good conscience.

As far as school goes, it sucks. I'm getting some really good and really bad grades, and some advances from some teachers that I shouldn't be getting. I can't wait to graduate and I can't wait even more to go to divinity school. (Which could be, easily, another six years.) I can't stop thinking about this minister thing. I don't even know where it came from; all I know is, I've become so fascinated by it that I am almost positive that it's what I want to do with my life. This is both a frightening and a reassuring thing....

Friday should be fun. I'm taking an "academic day" and going into Boston with my friends Raquel and Katie from photography. We're going to eat at Fire and Ice and then take pictures (cause all three of us need at least one more assignment to do well).

AAGGGGHHHH, I wish I could make my hormones go away.

And the Atkins diet is driving me up a fucking wall. I've been on it for a week, lost three pounds, but feel like shit because all I'm eating is eggs, vegetables, tofu, and nuts. I am in carbohydrate denial and all I want to eat is a big heaping plate of spaghetti.

OK, that's enough. Must go do some schoolwork. 'Til next time...

current mood: crazy

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Saturday, December 29th, 2001
10:00 pm - Complaints.
Hmm. I'm in kind of a dorky state of mind right now, contemplating a lot of things. I've spent this vacation doing a few things; doing my dastardly National History Day project, which is the bastard offspring of a project we did in HUSH on utopian societies. I was so fascinated by the Transcendentalist communities that I decided to switch the entire focus of my project. Well, it's not really going anywhere and it's due on January 3. So, yeah, I guess you could say I've got a lot of work to do.

I also spent the last week or so cultivating my independence. The parents are finally loosening up a little about letting me go to Boston with friends, and I came home by myself yesterday for the first time. So I'm 17 years old, and I should have been allowed that freedom a long time ago... but I wasn't, and now that I have it, it's a lot to think about.

I'm also wondering why the Spiritual Being (in lieu of the G-word) bestowed upon me the unfortunate burden of having feelings for the opposite sex, a quality I once fervently wished for. Now that I have it, and an object of my (misguided) affections, I just wish that it would go away. With girls, I can talk to them about relationships; I never have to do all the work, I can tell what they're feeling without them ever having to say the word. With Sam, and this goes for most guys, I never know what's going on. I hate that I can't read his mind, and that I can't seem to see him as often as I want. I know that this isn't going to end well, I know that we'll probably still be friends... but I just wish that my feelings for him would go away, and that I didn't have to feel this way about him. For some people, it's very easy to put their feelings on a back burner... for me, they're right there at the front, unavoidable.

Oh well. I can't wait to leave this town... to get out of Reading and go to college and then divinity school and be a minister... and finally be able to forget about men, or at least find one who respects me and cares for me the way I need him to...

Sick of bitching. Good night.

current mood: dorky

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Wednesday, December 26th, 2001
6:19 pm - ummm... stuff
So my Christmas was interesting. I played phone tag with Sam for 2 days before I actually got in touch with him... and then he told me that he couldn't come to my house on Christmas Eve after all, like he was supposed to, but he'd try and convince his mom to let him. So about 20 minutes before I was supposed to meet him in church, he called and said his mom agreed to let him come over. (Note: This was not a smart idea. Sam ended up meeting almost 40 of my relatives and friends that night.)

So we went to church, and I found out from my friends that he's been referring to me as his girlfriend for over a month (so I guess this means he must like me...I am a clueless little grrl :). His mom did a really nice service, and we went back to my house. (Another note: His mom also thought that Sam wasn't really coming to my house, or maybe that we were going to be doing something else, because she made sure that there were going to be "actual people there". She must really hate me.)

It was probably kind of overwhelming for him, but he handled it very well. He didn't get freaked out, even when my mental case of an aunt Jeanne told him that he looked like Enrique Iglesias. (Enrique is Hispanic. Sam is Jewish and German, I think. I don't get it. But oh well.)

Christmas was good. I got a new stereo system from my parents, a bunch of clothes, some good CD's, two new purses, just.. stuff. Material things. I'll write more later. Gotta go.

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Sunday, December 23rd, 2001
9:34 pm - i hate christmas
This vacation is either going to suck or rock, and these last few days have given me indications of both.

Reasons it might suck:

1) I'm sick with some pneumonia-like chest cold thing...

2) Sam is being a dick. I can't even figure out why... I talked to him for a while this week, and things seemed cool, but I called him today and yesterday and he hasn't called back. I never call anyone back, so I shouldn't really be upset, and I'm not... but it's his birthday today and I kinda wanted to at least talk to him, see if he is still coming over tomorrow night...or if he's still interested in me.... damn it. I guess this is why I don't date younger people. All I want to do now is listen to emo and make myself at least 20 so I can throw myself at Chris Carrabba.

3) My family from upstate New York gets more annoying every year.

4) If Sam decides to be a decent human being, I probably can't even kiss him because I might give him this God-awful, Satan-induced hell of a chest cold. And even as frustrated with him as I am right now, I wouldn't want to inflict upon him the wrath of a cough that's currently making me hack up my own vital organs.

Reasons it might kick ass:

1) I saw Emily on Friday night for the first time in a couple of months, and we had a really good time. I'd like to see a little more of her this week... spend some time hanging out and catching up.

2) Harvard Square + lots of Christmas $$= fun.

3) Nine more days of no school. 'Nuff said.

4) The aforementioned Sam factor... if this cold goes away.

current mood: crappy

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Friday, December 21st, 2001
6:46 pm - Something I wrote a year ago to the day, in my old LJ... and, looking back on it, am very proud of.
I wrote this a year ago. I wrote it in my notebook in the back of a class, and later typed it into my LJ.

"I'm sitting in Mme. Fritz's French class, second period, my legs and hands shaking because I'm a caffeine addict and have evidently OD'd this morning. I'm kind of listening to what she's saying, but not really. I remember the subjunctive from Mr. Porter's class last year, and besides, I can't really concentrate anyways.

The first white flakes have fallen. It has yet to blanket the ground in soft folds; small, frostbitten tufts of grass still poke through, hoping to save themselves from the wrath of a harsh New England winter.

Each intricate symbol of impending winter has its own unique mission; a predestined place to land and remain, whether for mere seconds or for weeks, protecting the withering blades of grass from their tragic fate.

Winter doesn't slowly creep into our lives, as autumn does. Winter hits with a deafening explosion; waking up in the morning to realize the temperature has fallen below the freezing mark for the first time, beginning to don gloves and a scarf before leaving in the morning, starting the car and letting it run for ten minutes while layers of extra clothing are applied with care.

Snowflakes are thrust from the sky and thrown to the wind; which has no regard for their silent beauty or their placid stillness once they settle upon the ground. Wind tosses them every which way, and they swirl around my head as I stand upright, my tongue outstretched to collect the clouds' discards.

New dilemmas, new characters in my life, new discoveries are the first flurries in the winter of my existence. Each day holds new experiences that we face with the anxious anticipation of the first snow.

Make each day count as if it were your last.

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Thursday, December 20th, 2001
10:50 pm - another fricking survey... for the record, I am a LOSER
- last book you read: Transcendental Utopias... for NHD.... grr.
- last movie you saw: Glory, in Mr. Ryan's class
- last movie you saw on the big screen: Something back in August... haven't been to the theater in forever
- last phone number you called: Nadia's
- last show you watched on TV: ER (what else?)
- last song you heard: fucking christmas songs from band, i just got back from the holiday concert
- last thing you had to drink: punch
- last thing you ate: a brownie (damn i got a healthy diet)
- Last Time you showered: a few hours ago, before the concert
- last time you cried: yesterday
- last time you smiled: looking at _____ (Nadia I swear to God I'll kill you if you say one more damn thing about his age!!!)
- last time you laughed: on stage tonight when my band teacher called Leia a snot
- last person you hugged: Jena
- last person you kissed: Again, Nadia.... keep your trap shut. :)
- last thing you said: Love you.
- last person you talked to online: Matt
- last person you talked to on the phone: Helen
- last thing you smelled: incense

Do you...
- smoke? nope
- do drugs? only herbals
- drink? on occasion
- have sex? let's not go into that...
- sleep with stuffed animals? nope
- have a crush? a few
- have a boyfriend/girlfriend? yes indeed
- have a dream that keeps coming back? nope
- play an instrument? several
- believe there is life on other planets? no way
- read the newspaper? yes, every day
- have any gay or lesbian friends? "does it matter? do i necessarily know? do i care? would i care? should i be offened by this question? would you ask me if i had Jewish friends or Muslim friends or Hindu friends or Christian friends or Wiccan friends or Black friends or White friends or Hispanic friends or Asian friends? is that question any different that those? am i being annoying and preachy? would you like me to get off my soap box? you would? ok then :::steps off soap box:::" -direct quote from my genius friend Sarah Cadarette (take a bow, Sarah....)
- believe in miracles? some, yes.
- believe it's possible to remain faithful forever? i'm not sure.
- consider yourself tolerant of others? tolerant? no. i hate that word because it has the implication that you don't like csomething, but you'll put up with it to be politically correct. i am ACCEPTING.
- consider police a friend or foe? my dad was a cop. dad=foe. (sometimes....)
- like the taste of alcohol? some of it.
- have a favourite Stooge? ummm.... Moe?
- believe in astrology? absolutely
- believe in magic? some of it
- pray? sometimes
- go to church? whenever i can... i love it, and i want to be a minister
- have any secrets? too many
- have any pets? no :(
- go to or plan to go to college? Hampshire all the way baby... see you there next year, Elka
- have a degree? nope... in... uh.... 2007 I will.
- talk to strangers who instant message you? not usually
- wear hats? hate 'em, on me that is.
- have any piercings? wouldn't you like to know....
- have any tattoos? i'm getting one on my 18th b-day
- hate yourself? a lot of the time... i wish i didn't
- wish on stars? only when i'm desperate
- like your handwriting? yes
- have any bad habits? "yes, such as, learning lessons too late, not listening to myself and my instincts and then regretting it later, saying things before i really think it through, cutting, and others" -another Sarah quote.... that further convinces me that we must be 2 halves of the same person. ;)
- believe in witches? of course
- believe in Satan? not at all
- believe in ghosts? yes
- believe in Santa? yes
- believe in the Easter Bunny? yes
- believe in the Tooth Fairy? yes
- have a second family? yes
- trust others easily? i do at first and then i get hurt so.... no, i don't...
- like sarcasm? No, of course not. Me? Sarcastic?
- take walks in the rain? i love that
- kiss with your eyes closed? always
- sing in the shower? it's the only place i sing when other people are home because if i sang while the water wasn't blasting they might actually hear me and... well... let's just say ears would be bleeding... i like to think i'm better than that but it just ain't true.
- love christmas? love seeing family and friends. love vacation. but i hate the holiday.

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Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
11:19 am - FREEDOM
Things have gotten pretty crazy for me lately. My life is turning into school, work, and band, and I've barely had a minute to enjoy the fact that I'm not grounded anymore.

I went out Friday and Saturday, and got to see Sam for a while. We went to Harvard Square and Newbury St. He was with his friends and Meggie came with me. You know how guys are with their friends- well, he was exactly like that. We talked and stuff, we hung out, but he didn't touch me- didn't hold my hand or anything. That's the kind of thing I crave- just little signs of affection like that. I was kind of disappointed, but I know how guys are... and they're so different from girls in that way, which takes a lot of getting used to... so I wasn't upset.

Christmas is coming so fast, and I've been so busy, that I've barely even had time to get depressed this year. Usually I get really sad and emotional around the holidays, and all I want to do is stay in bed. This year is a little different- instead of becoming depressed, I've been getting really angry and moody in these little spurts. It's kind of scary, because I never know when it's going to happen...

Other than that, things are good. I'm going to see a bunch of my college friends over vacation that I haven't seen in months, and I miss them all. Being ungrounded is wonderful. :)

current mood: awake

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Friday, December 14th, 2001
11:17 pm - Finally, some things going right in my life. Hope I don't jinx it.
This week has been pretty interesting.. sort of a roller coaster ride. On Monday, as I was lying down to finally relax for a few hours, I got a call saying that I needed to make a speech the next day at school (for a day of harmony assembly) because Brad Jones (aka Right-Wing Asshole of the Month) had cancelled and there was a big open hole where he was supposed to speak. So I wrote the speech, and was then told that I was going to be bumped because- guess who- Brad Jones decided he was going to come after all. End of story, I did get to read it, but I learned a hard lesson about the way the world works.

Then I aced a few tests this week, attended a really nice candlelight vigil in Boston, and finally saw Sam tonight. Things seem to be going pretty well between us- casual, and I know that he likes me- it just seems like he's shy making the first moves, and I'm not, so I guess things are okay after all.

Gotta go...

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Monday, December 10th, 2001
1:42 pm - Hair dye and candles
I had an interesting weekend. It began with my Saturday, in Boston, going to a human rights lecture. I was thoroughly embarrassed because I have been to the Copley/Boylston area more times than I can count, and I got Lisa and myself momentarily lost. The lecture was, all in all, pretty boring. The keynote speaker was excellent, as well as another female speaker, but the men were dry and boring (surprise, surprise :), and we left early.

I babysat for my nephews Tyler and Ryan that night, and ended up taking another kid, Chris, in for the night (he's a friend of Ryan's). I was, to say the least, really upset- my brother didn't tell me I was taking care of three kids overnight.

I went to church in the morning, and the sermon was about the 23rd Psalm. I don't think I've ever really felt so moved and stirred by anything in church. Not only is it the only part of the Bible that I identify with and take to heart, but the context in which she spoke of it was what really touched me. Robin told this story about how when she was in divinity school, and she was on call as a hospital chaplain, she got beeped at 2 am to tend to a sixty-year-old Catholic woman with debilitating arthritis. The woman was disappointed and wanted a priest (as opposed to Jewish/Unitarian Universalist/humanist Robin :), but together they recited the 23rd Psalm and shared in its comforting words.

For a while, I've been considering the prospect of becoming a minister. Now, more than ever, I'm sure that I want it to be part of my life. Maybe now, maybe later; but I know that experiences like hers, helping and comforting others, is what I'm good at and what I should do with my life.

Kind of ironic, isn't it, that I am often good at helping others, but I can't seem to help myself...

So then I dyed my hair in the afternoon, nothing drastic, but I was getting sick of my blonde highlights so now it's a dark chestnut brown. My mom and dad hate it, but I needed a change. I went to youth group shortly after, excited about seeing Sam. I think I knew, though, that he wasn't coming... he told me he would but I waited and he didn't come. Whether it's his general apathy or a lack of interest in me or maybe something entirely different, I don't know. I'm not going to do any more work to find out, though. Now I'm going to wait for him to come to me, call me. Find out if he cares. And because of the way I am and how I get so invested in things- I hope he does...

I lit some candles last night before I went to bed and read the 23rd Psalm.

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1:37 pm - The Distance
This song has been the one that's been getting me through some pain this past week, and I'd like to share it- with anyone who reads it... maybe you'll appreciate it as much as I do.

I hope, for my sake, that the pain I'm going through right now, missing him, isn't only in my head... if I knew how he really felt I might be able to make sense of things a little more.

Evan and Jaron- The Distance (I KNOW- pop music- but....)

The sky has lost its color
The sun has turned to grey
At least thats how it feels to me
Whenever youre away
I crawl up in the corner
to watch the minutes pass
each one brings me closer to
the time youre comin back

I cant take the distance
I cant the miles
I cant take the time til I next see you smile
I cant take the distance
And Im not ashamed
That with every breath I take Im callin your name
But I cant take the distance

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me
But it aint close enough
Not nearly close enough

I cant take the distance
I cant the miles
I cant take the time until I next see you smile
I cant take the distance
And Im not ashamed
That with every breath I take Im callin your name

I'd brave fire and I'd brave rain
To be by your side Id do anything
I cant take the distance

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
Thats how much you mean to me
Cuz I cant take the distance
I cant take these miles
I cant take the time until I next see you smile
I cant take the distance
And Im not ashamed
With every breath I take Im callin your name
I cant take the distance

It's harder to remember
the longer you're away
can i find solace?
theres only one you, only one you....

current mood: frustrated

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Wednesday, December 5th, 2001
10:26 am
i'm tired.... too tired to go to work... i have to go in a couple of hours- i have an early release day today and i promised them i'd come in early to get some stuff done. i rrreaaallly don't want to go...

i hate it when you like someone so much that it makes you crazy and you know you'll never, ever be able to be with them in the way that you need and want because there are SO many things going against you.... and i'm not talking about sam. who, by the way, i'm trying not to think about too much because, like i said, i don't want to get too attached.

i don't have much to say right now... so goodbye.

current mood: indifferent

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Monday, December 3rd, 2001
11:53 am - Bananas in pajamas
My weekend wasn't really much of a weekend. I spent almost the entire time doing a project on utopian societies for Mr. Ryan's class. It wasn't that it was boring, because with four guys and a dummy in our video, we were all set for 'entertainment.' I had SAT's on Saturday, and that overlapped with project time. We finally finished yesterday at about 4 in the afternoon.

Sam came at the end. He was going to be in the video, but he couldn't make it on time. He ended up coming to Carolyn's at about 3:30, and we watched the video, and then Sam and I went to go have dinner and then to youth group. We got there unbelievably early, and sat outside freezing for an hour until someone let us into the church at 6. We sat inside the sanctuary, kind of cuddling and kissing and enjoying the alone-ness.

He's a good kid... kid being the operative word. He's too young for me right now, and that's why we're going to be casual about stuff. So we're dating, but nothing serious. I'm just really, really scared that I'm going to get too close to him; like him too much. That would fuck things up really bad. Considering he's the first guy I've felt this way about in a while, there's this temptation to want to spend all this time with him; time I don't have... and also this temptation to consider how wrong us being together is, blow it off and forget he exists. I just wish things could be simpler- like his mom NOT being the minister at our church, him NOT being a 15-year-old freshman, me NOT being overly neurotic and needy (the fact that I realize that I manifest these traits and still exhibit them is scary in itself)...

Whatever. I'm going to stop thinking about it until at least next weekend, which is probably when I'll be seeing him again.

Other than that, things are okay, I guess. Still grounded, still waiting for December 15...

Still wishing there was an honors Shakespeare class at this school, and that we'd never stop reading Shakespeare in Brit Lit....

current mood: hungry

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